im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize