I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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