After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
