i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You can't motorboat a personality
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
