My friends, they love my intelligence
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Say something about gay babies.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize