So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
