I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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