If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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