I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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