this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My penis needs a shock collar
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
