Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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