I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
