guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
my sisters under your porch take her home
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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