Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I puked a lego.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
you had me at cake vodka
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
