I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
