I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
