You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
