i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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