dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
