I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
