My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
