So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
