I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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