I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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