Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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