No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
