I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
