We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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