Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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