I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's blow job season.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
