So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
