my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
