seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
