Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
