Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
