ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize