turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I did not marry a roomba.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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