Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize