what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
