I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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