does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
