then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
