Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
