so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
