Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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