I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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