your parents love me but you hate me
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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