dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
