when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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