i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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