Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
