worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
