he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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