just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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