Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
