I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
