can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
